FIGHT WITH MYSELF

To regain my gait and support, I am fighting with myself, a continuous fight to control my body which has taken me into its control and I have to do just the opposite….at present, it’s ruling me and now I need to control its reins and become ruler for myself….It is not so easy to change the course in my favor but I have to & for that I have to push myself up and win this battle….Since months…I have been confined into the four walls & movement is constricted to just fulfill the urgent chores without which survival is tough.


Many onlookers vaguely comment that it is nothing but a loss of confidence…..people are in practice to say whatever they like, but they never think twice before mouthing out…may be I too have done the same if I was not suffering….better I request the spectators that try to feel the shortcomings that one confronts & keep themselves in their shoes…It’s true that in fast paced life…there are cases of loss of confidence or emotional trauma but I am born fighter & I know to rebel…..Many times, I was introduced as BLUNT & REBELLION.


I have the guts to fight against the weakness that has developed within me making me weak to the core…first time when I was afflicted with it…I was just in my early twenties of my life….at a stage when one lives in a world of dreams & are not aware of the realities of life or don’t want to accept the harsh realities of life….the impairment was slow and never did I realize that one day it will award me with a hefty reward & change the whole course of my life…..I was a mother of two cute kids & in a role of Mom….one forgets about one’s well being & whole focus shifts to family & their well being. I too was no exception & world revolved around them & I loved putting in my best efforts to nurture my garden with utmost care.


The impairment increased manifold with passing days & one day , I couldn’t move. That was the most devastating moment for me….I was the most independent identity of my family and was well defined as a FIGHTER who knew how to tackle the toughest situation….but finding myself stuck in the health crisis….initially I broke & cried a lot….finding myself helpless…at that point of time…only one weird thought crossed my mind that I should put an end to my life and release all my associates with the burden of myself….the journey didn’t seem to be easy & but the instinct of motherhood gave me a hope to accept the challenges that I had been awarded by some unknown force…don’t know whether it was good or evil omen….I decided to fight back with all my might & defeat…..and visited set of doctors from all subjects…..orthopedic to neurology…..some advised me to see a psychiatrist too…but I was dead against to visit psychiatrist…I was confident that no amount of pressure can destabilize my will.


Several rounds of X-rays….blood samples given for total blood profile tests & even I was tested for HIV…it was a hype in late 90’s to get checked for this deadly disease HIV…all my reports were normal & even the spaces of bones,structure was optimum. I visited several doctors in Patna & on advise of few doctors…I flew to Bangalore for NIMHANS…which is a hospital of Asia fame…but they couldn’t come to my rescue…Many said that it was case of psycho somatic diseases but been a  tough shell,couldn’t accept readily & challenged the team of doctors. They didn’t wished to discharge me from the hospital but my decision to leave the hospital was sole decision of mine…no one appreciated be it domestic front or doctor front….they did not give me discharge certificate…it was surmount pressure to succumb…..but nothing could change my decision and I walked away from the hospital without papers…but I was contented that I didn’t slip from my decision….


I ASKED myself several times…was I in any way under emotional trauma or was it silently killing my confidence making me weak & dependent on others to manage my bare necessities….but my MIND NEVER accepted…I wasn’t so weak….I could well manage my family and home…just the pattern of work has changed….before this discomfort, I didn’t had any domestic help but after weakness…I had set of people who could carry out my instructions honestly.


Gradually…I overcame the weakness & rolled back to myself though there were impairments which couldn’t go unnoticed but I accepted readily because I was THRILLED to be back on my feet…which I yearned for and overlooked petty things.